Neurotics
build castles in the sky. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists
collect the rent.
What
is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he
will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist
will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."
What's
the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist
pulls habits out of rats!
Once
I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.
I don't
suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.
I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.
The
best thing about being schizophrenic is that I'm never alone.
Hypochondria
is the only illness that I don't have.
I've always been a hypochondriac.
As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass
of water.
Psychiatrist
to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying
'It's a madhouse.'"
Why
is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because
when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
Two
psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of
them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist
looks old, worried and withered. The older looking one asks the
other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's
problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made
an old man of me." The younger looking one replies, "Who
listens?"
Doctor,
Doctor, I think I'm a cat. How long has this been going on? Oh,
since I was a kitten!
Doctor,
doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog. Lie down on the couch and
I'll examine you. I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.
How
psychiatrists do it... Psychiatrists do it on the couch. Psychiatrists
think they do it. Psychiatrists do it for at least fifty dollars
per session.
How
many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself
when it's ready.
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Just one, but it takes nine visits.
How
many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
"How long have you been having
this phantasy?"
One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.
How
many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many do you think it takes?"
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