Jokes ....... September 2000


 


Neurotics build castles in the sky. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists collect the rent.

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

Once I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I'm never alone.

Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have.

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered. The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me." The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat. How long has this been going on? Oh, since I was a kitten!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog. Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you. I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.

How psychiatrists do it... Psychiatrists do it on the couch. Psychiatrists think they do it. Psychiatrists do it for at least fifty dollars per session.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Just one, but it takes nine visits.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

"How long have you been having this phantasy?"
One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?

"How many do you think it takes?"



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This page last update 5 September 2000